Helpless at times, Hopeless never....

{First, I must thank those who knew about Liz's arm and prayed. That swelling and hot, spreading red mess turned out to be Cellulitis. After a few days using a topical antibiotic, her arm started getting better and the infection now looks to be gone. Phew!}

Yesterday Liz and I went to her therapy appointment. While there, her therapist asked her how she feels when she hears that her counts (blood counts) are down or bad.
Liz responded with "I really don't care".
Ms. Jennifer then pressed her a bit to elaborate. Again, Liz shrugged her shoulders and said
"I just let my mom worry about that stuff and she will tell me if I have to have more tests or medicine or whatever. Or sometimes she will tell me if my blood is having a really good week."

She was so passive and two things struck me. One, I really believe that she doesn't care. In some ways, she has gotten so used to just being told what is or isn't going to happen, and though she may object (whoa, how she objects at times!), she just doesn't care what her labs, scopes, slides or anything else looks like.
Two, I was struck again at how much she must trust me. She knows that I will take care of all of the details for her and make the decisions, and so she let's me "worry about that stuff."

This week I have had lots of thoughts about Elizabeth, actually. More than the usual worry or medical details of it all.
While I was in the car alone (a true rarity!), I was listening to a radio station. One of the dj's was speaking about how she'd received a call from her babysitter letting her know that her young son had a horrible rash. This DJ was 50 miles from home and expressed how worried she was. Her DJ counterpart chimed in, saying "The worst thing is feeling helpless; either not  knowing what is wrong with your child, or not being able to help your child."
Hearing that hit me hard. I could not help the tears or the crushing feeling in my chest.
I have uttered those same words so, so many times, but for some reason hearing it that day hit me.
Helpless is exactly how I feel. I don't know exactly how to help Elizabeth, and I am relying on many people to help her, but even they cannot make her totally well (yet!) and that crushes me.
I feel I am letting her down over and over again, as each day, month, infection, procedure, and year passes.

For the last three weeks, I have been praying hard for my girl's heart. I know she must feel helpless at times in her own way, and it has been on my heart to pray that her feelings of helplessness, frustration, fatigue, anger, sadness, etc, does not turn to hopelessness.
That is a hard thing not to do!
I refuse to let myself become hopeless, first because I will never give up on my girl. and second because I know that my relationship with my God won't allow me to do so. I pray though that Liz can remain strong in hoping and knowing that she will get better.
This is but a Season....a long, long, difficult, yucky, miserable, somehow-wonderful at times, agonizing season for her. Seasons change and so will her illness.

Remember this photo from over a year ago?
Liz had to write a sentence on the back of her desk name tag. Her choice....
Never lose HOPE!