If Only

http://www.telly.com/AND2B?fromtwitvid=1


I LOVE this song. Along with liking the song so much, the message goes along with much of what I have been feeling lately.
I will admit that I have been struggling with "what" I am; what my role is in this life. Before I go on, I will remind you that I consider it a privelege to be able to take care of my three children. I also consider the messy, difficult, taxing role of caring for Elizabeth a huge privilege!
Having said that, candidly I will also share that at times I feel "if only." If only I could be contributing more to the family or if only I could work, then we would be able to take vacations, buy luxury items, not stress so much about medical bills.
If only Liz wasn't sick. If only my husband didn't work so very hard and yet we are in a constant state of drowning in medical debt. If only life had gone according to my plans. If only I knew that things would turn out alright in the ways we want. So many if only's.
We all have them, don't we?

Last night, as Walter and I had some quiet time to talk (if you have a mental picture of us cuddled and talking in whispers or sharing a glass of wine and having deep conversation, throw that out. I was watering when he drove up from being at work and we stole a few minutes alone to talk as I threatened to hose-down any child that got in the way of our conversation : )  ), I told him
"This is what I am supposed to be doing. I am supposed to be taking care of Jackson and Kate. And, I am meant to take care of Elizabeth during this time - nurse her back to health, get her through this horrible time; help her get through school, help her to get strong- so that she can be the best person she can be when she is older. So that she can be the person she is meant to be."

Life can rock us to the core- all of us. It can try and strip away security, comfort, health, plans.....
but if we try hard, if I try hard, and stop focusing on the "if only's", it won't take away who I am meant to be. Which for now may be a struggling, tired mom. That is alright, because I am rich in so many other ways and I know that I am doing exactly what I should be right now; exactly what I am meant to be.


{Some people are so poor all they have is money.
Diamonds, some people waste their life counting their thousands.
They can't afford what we've got, not even the kings.
I found the world in you.
Your arms around me are worth more than a kingdom.
The trust that we feel, the kings never felt that. They can't afford this; this is priceless.
They can't afford what we've got, not even the kings.}