I hate....

I hate the hospital. I need the hospital. I hate the hospital. I need the hospital. I hate the hospital. I hate the infection CDifficile, and now, Colitis, that has taken over my poor baby's gut for the last 3 1/2 months. I hate that we are once again here, with Elizabeth admitted to the hospital. I hope you know how many things I am grateful for, but I am feeling such frustration at this point, the things I hate are on my mind. I hate that I am using the word hate. I hate that Liz just asked for Zofran because she feels so nauseous. I hate that as I Skyped with Kaitlin and Jack tonight, Kate was fighting back tears and Jackson was crying so hard his body shook because he wanted me home. I hate that Jackson even knows the word platelets and when he sees a bag packed, asks if Liz is going to the hospital again. I hate what years of hospital stays, surgeries, medical bills and anxiety does to a marriage. I hate that Elizabeth was stuck 7 times in an effort to start an iv, yet she didn't move or cry or protest because this is all too familiar for her. I hate that she bleeds and it doesn't make her nervous at all. I hate that I would walk a million miles with her in my arms if I had to just to find the one end-all treatment or doctor who would help her and assure no more of this, but I don't know of that place.
I know God is the place for comfort and ultimate healing. I know the scriptures that promise this and that I get comfort from and I know He does not waste pain. I know all of this and I love so many things. Still, I hate seeing my Liz suffer. I want to scream out that we have learned our lessons, Lord! We have seen mercy and we have endured and persevered and learned to trust in Him much more than we ever would have had Liz not been sick. We are stronger, we are more patient, we are more compassionate...we are all of these things and we have learned our lesson. But, before Liz was ever mine, she was His, made in His image and she would not suffer in vain. There is a purpose for this, still. And no matter how much I hate much of this, I will not forget what I know is true.