Life is wonderful and difficult... and I am grateful!

Friday, February 4, 2011

De'ja' vu

One week. One week today until we hear the results of Elizabeth's second bone marrow aspiration. A week is not long at all. A week is a lifetime to wait. A whole week.

In the past few weeks, I have had so many occurances of deja vu. So many in fact that it feels odd and I have tried to piece them together. Do they even go together?
And, if you don't already think I am losing my mind after my last candid post about my sadness, this will really make you think I'm nuts..... today, after my last deja vu moment, I tried so hard to remember whatever it is that jogs your mind, your memory, in moments of deja vu. I tried to remember, so to speak, if I'd "seen" this before...if I know what is going to happen to Liz. I'm a planner, and I just need to now. Sooner rather than later would be helpful. Does that make sense or just sound insane?
It sounds insane writing it, reading it. I will quit while I am ahead.

I feel less sad today than I did the last two days over news of Elizabeth's gi condition and the surgery that will be neccessary. Just as there are stages of grief for those who go through loss, for me there are stages of worry. Sadness, frustration, anger, disbelief, mourning....gosh, it sounds the same as grief now that I write it down. In any case, I am back in what my sister calls my "game mode." That describes it perfectly, actually. Not sure how you therapists would feel about that phrase being used to describe feelings, but it sums it up. I am back in game mode, that is to say that I am in the "bring it on, let's do this, it is what it is, stage. It could change tomorrow, it could change tonight, but for now I am not so sad. Plus, I think her bone marrow results will show it has recovered at least a bit.

So, we'll wait this long week out. We'll pray and wait. And, hopefully, any new deja vu moments will bring visions of handsome cowboys...or something close to that! : )

No comments:

Post a Comment