How can this be happening? Could things be so much worse? Yes! Do I constantly notice children who are more sick than my girl and thank God that we aren't facing their journey? Yes!
Yet still, how can this be happening? Why is this happening? How can we make it stop? Will it ever stop? I catch myself saying certain phrases that spill out of my mouth so easily and so often they are starting to feel cliche. Like, how soon she will be better, or how I joke that she will be fine in a year, but I will be a wreck from all the stress.
Two days ago I went through our online photo album, looking for photos of Jackson, and I was sickened by how much Liz has changed in appearance. Have you seen the difference? How come no one told me how different she looks?
How is my girl missing all of her 5th grade school year? How did we get to a point where the doctors decided it is best for her to be home? That is huge. One month out of school turned into two...then three...then four... How?
How is it that Liz has been scanned and poked and gone to the OR more times than I can count and still she is not better? How can I not offer her an answer when she asks why I am allowing all of those things and she is still not well?
How can we have seen lists of doctors and specialists, at five hospitals, and still no one can piece all of her deficiencies, infections, abnormalities together? How?
How must Liz really feel? What secret thoughts does she keep from us? How will being sick effect her when she is older; when she is better? How will she get better?
How are we doing this? If someone would have told me that Liz would be sick, and all the ways it would effect our life, I would have been too overwhelmed to even imagine how we could manage....and yet here we are, just trying to do the best we can. How are we doing? I don't know, I have no idea how to do this well.
How do I keep things normal for Jack and Kate? How do I keep my marriage strong when we are feeling so weak? How do I keep joyful when my heart is heavy? How can we keep from feeling alone in this? How do I keep myself from getting angry at God?
How did we get here?
How?
Ally,
ReplyDeleteI as well as many of your friends wish we had some kind of answer, but none of us do and I'm not going to tell you to just trust and have faith and God, you already know all of that and you do...does that mean you can't get angry and let God know your angry, of course not. All through the Bible people have told God how angry they were and He understood, He already knew how those people felt, just as He knows how you feel. I honestly don't know why Liz is going through all of this "crap", sorry. I can only tell you and I feel it's just not enough (although I know it is enough) that I will continually lift Liz, You, and your precious family up in prayer. I wish I could do more, my heart aches so much for You!
I Love You,
Yvonne <3
Dear friend,
ReplyDeleteI don't know how. Or why. That is the hardest part. If you knew why or how or when, it might seem do-able. It's part of the trial. You might never know. But I know you are such a good mama to those kiddies. You are a champion for Liz. You are fighting for her. She is fighting for her. You can do this. You will do this. Any yes, hopefully in a year from now, you can look back and have the question of "how" answered. Until then, keep it up girlfriend.